


If You Catch My Drift

by mfdonut



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Bickering, Humor, M/M, canon typical language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 12:14:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9548603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mfdonut/pseuds/mfdonut
Summary: In which Grif is wrong, and Simmons proves a point.(Also probably the least number sexual innuendos in any fic with this title)





	

At this point it was more unusual if they _weren’t_ arguing about something before breakfast. It was practically part of their morning routine. Wake up, bicker, brush teeth, bicker, wash face, bicker, get dressed, bicker.

Today’s topic of disagreement was something that surprisingly hadn’t come up sooner. And really if this argument was anyone’s fault it was Tucker’s. He had provided the point of contention. It was just natural that Grif and Simmons do what they did best: fight over it.

“The point is,” Simmons said slowly, zipping up his kevlar suit, “it it sounds stupid when you say it like that.” 

“What? No it doesn’t!” Grif responded, pulling on his boots, “that’s the correct way to say it.”

“No it’s not! Look, I’ve had this argument with people way smarter than you,” Simmons said, snapping his shoulder pads into place.

“Yeah, other losers on the internet,” Grif muttered.

Simmons continued, ignoring him, “and the fact that when you write it out you have to spell it with a ‘j’ just to show people what you mean _proves_ that it makes no sense to pronounce it that way.”

“Yeah, but we’re not writing are we?”

“That doesn’t matter!” Simmons responded, grabbing his helmet and walking towards the door as Grif followed behind. “And besides it’s an acronym--Graphic Interchange Format which means it’s _gif_ like _graphic_.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Simmons, everyone knows the ‘G’ stands for ‘generated.’”

“What? No it doesn’t! It stands for ‘graphic’!”

“Pfft! You actually believe that?” Grif crossed  his arms. “That’s just a lie invented hundreds of years ago by whiney bitches who didn’t want to say ‘jif.’ Besides, the inventor of gifs said it was ‘jif.’”

“What? Now who’s making stuff up! Everyone knows Banksy invented the gif, and he never said _anything_.”

“I’m telling you Simmons,” Grif said as they descended the stairs, “that’s gif-ist propaganda!”

“Okay. _Fine_!” Simmons said throwing his hands up in the air. “I give up! If that’s how you’re going to be about it. I concede. You’re right! It makes soooo much more sense if you pronounce it ‘jif'.”

“Thank you, Simmons. I knew you’d come around.”

“Not at all...Jrif.”

“What the fuck.” Grif stopped dead in his tracks. “What did you just call me?”

“Huh?” Simmons said, casually turning back to face Grif. “Oh. Jrif. That’s how you pronounce it right? The same as ‘Jif’?”

“Those aren’t the same thing at all!”

“No, I think they are. And thank you so much for showing me the error of my ways, Jrif.”

“It’s not the same!”

“G-i-f: jif. G-r-i-f: Jrif. It’s only one letter different.”

“Name _one_ other word that starts with ‘gr’ that makes a ‘juh’ sound”

“Giraffe.”

“That has an ‘i’ in it.”

“Well so does ‘Jrif’”

“An i _before_ the--oh you know what I fucking meant.”

“No, Jrif, I _don’t_ think I know what you meant.”

“Okay, seriously, dude. You’ve got to stop doing that.”

“Doing what?”

“Saying my name wrong!”

“I’m not saying your name wrong.”

“No one says it that way!” Grif shouted, then turned to a small group of passing cadets, “Hey you!”

“Uh, yes, sir?” One of the cadets left her friends nervously.

“What’s my name?”

The cadet looked taken aback. “Uhhh. Captain Grif?”

“Yes, exactly, _thank you_!” Grif turned back to Simmons, looking triumphant. The cadet looked around nervously, unsure for a moment if she should keep standing there, but upon realizing that Grif was no longer paying her any mind, she skittered away to rejoin her group.

“Wow, Grif,” Simmons said, voice airy and condescending, “I can’t believe you let your subordinates call you by the wrong name. That’s _very_ disrespectful.”

“They’re _not_ calling me by the wrong name! Everyone knows my name is Grif! They all call me Grif! Even Sarge!”

“So what you’re saying is, if we all call you Grif, that must be right.”

“Yes!”

“So by that logic, since the majority of people say Gif….”

“Okay, I see what you’re playing at here Simmons, and let me just say, first off, I don’t appreciate it. And secondly, I don’t think more people _do_ say gif.”

“Bullshit. Waaay more people say gif.”

“Well let’s find out.”

Entering the mess hall, Grif spotted the Blues immediately. All three were sitting together, helmets off and working their way through breakfast.

“Good morning,” Tucker said as Grif threw himself into the chair across from them. “Trouble in paradise?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Grif said. “We need you to settle a bet.”

“It’s not a bet! There is no bet! You’re just wrong.”

“Unlikely.”

“What’s the problem,” Wash asked glancing between the two of them.

“Remember that image you sent us last night, Tucker? What would you call that?”

“Cute as fuck?” Tucker responded at the same time Washington said, “Cats being cute.”

“Okay, yes, but the file. What kind of image is that?”

“What you mean like a gif?” Said Tucker.

“See?” Simmons said turning to Grif, who looked a bit like he was pouting.

“What about you, Wash? What would you call it?” Grif challenged.

“Well,” Wash said thoughtfully, “I _would_ say ‘gif,’ but you guys have me questioning everything I thought I knew about abbreviations, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable putting money on it."

“I’m counting Wash’s vote towards ‘Jif’ due to his lack of self confidence.” Grif deadpanned.

“Fine by me,” Simmons said ignoring Wash’s spluttering in protest. “More people are still going to agree with me.”

“Do you want to know what I think?”

“No, Caboose,” Grif and Simmons said in unison.

“Jif is the best with jelly. In sandwiches.”

Everyone stared at Caboose for a moment.

“That’s a vote for ‘gif’ if I ever heard one,” Simmons said finally.

“Yeah, and when have 2 out of 3 Blues ever been wrong?” Grif said rolling his eyes.

“Dude, I hate to side with Simmons, but it’s fucking ‘gif,’” said Tucker.

“See! Even _Tucker_ agrees with me.”

“Yeah, like it’s not like ‘Happy birthday! I got you a jift!’” Tucker said, ignoring the ‘even.’ Tucker grinned at the laugh this got out of Wash.

“Or ‘Hey, Donut, do you have carrots in your jarden?’” Simmons added.

“No, there aren’t any carrots, I think they were eaten by joats,” Wash added through his laughter.

“Or maybe it was someone on Red Team,” Simmons said, “Could have been me or Sarge or Donut, but it was probably _Jrif_.”

At that point Tucker and Wash were howling with laughter.

“Oh my god!” Wash gasped.

“I-thi-,” Tucker laughed, gasping for breath, “I think you mean ‘Oh my _Jod_.'”

“Alright we’re done here.” Grif said. Standing up from the table, and made his way towards the door, he could still hear the Blues laughing and exchanging ‘guh’ words for ‘juh’ words.

He hadn’t really decided where he was heading. Maybe back to his room for a secreted away MRE…or maybe he could turn around and go back in the mess hall for breakfast and pretend none of this ever happened...yeah, that would probably be better.

“Hey, fatass, you’re not skipping out on breakfast are you?” Simmons called, catching up with him.

“Fuck off, Simmons.”

“Look, I’m sorry about the whole ‘gif’ thing. I was just trying to keep you from sounding like an asshole.”

“I appreciate you looking out for me,” Grif said voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Of course. Which is why I’m here to propose a compromise.”

“What kind of compromise?” Grif asked suspiciously.  

“You can keep saying gif wrong if I can keep saying Jrif wrong.”

“Saying Jrif wrong? You mean ‘Grif’?”

“Yeah!”

Grif stared at him blankly for a moment before he felt his face trying to tug into a grin. “I don’t know, Simmons," Grif said doing his best to sound put upon, "Do you think you can handle being wrong that often?”

“It _is_ going to be a struggle...but I think I can handle it.”

“You are such a nerd.”

“Love you too, fatass.”

 


End file.
